The Path to Improvement: Show Yourself Kindness

I recently finished a visual novel called Endless Monday: Dreams and Deadlines. In it you play as Penny, an artist that is at odds with her corporate job. Your goal is to help Penny focus so that she can complete a project with an imminent deadline that she’s been procrastinating on for months.

The reason I bring up Endless Monday is because of something that jumped out at me when I was sitting at Penny’s desk. Attached to her monitor, above her todo list, is a note that Penny has written to herself in big, bold letters: LOVE YOURSELF.

That’s what I want to talk about today: showing yourself kindness. Specifically, I want to speak to how being patient, and encouraging can help with long-term growth in a fighting game. This is something I wish I’d known about years ago, and I hope that others can benefit from hearing (or I guess reading) about it too.

Now, I know what some of you are already thinking: this is a complete crock of shit. I get it. Truthfully, I thought the exact same thing when I was first confronted by the idea of showing myself kindness. It runs contrary to how I’ve thought about learning my entire life. It’s also the exact opposite of how I choose to interact with myself.

However, after several months of reflection, I decided to give self love a shot. Since then I’ve found I have a much better time while playing fighting games as I get far less discouraged during the learning process. I also don’t find plateaus as demoralizing as I once did. These are natural steps in everyone’s journey, and lambasting yourself doesn’t actually help you to work through them.

In an effort to really drive that last point home, I’d like for you to think of the best teacher you’ve ever had. What made them such a good mentor? Think about the qualities, mannerisms, and behaviours that cause them to stick out as being the very best like no one ever was.

Could you also recall the worst teacher you’ve ever had? Or just…any bad teacher really. If you’re from North America, like me, then I’m sure you have no short supply of excellent examples. Just as before, consider what made them stand-out as being a not so great teacher?

Here are my answers:

Good Teachers:

• Patient when answering questions
• Firm, but fair while assessing progress
• Actively challenged me with additional questions to broaden my understanding
• Interested in the subject matter they were teaching

Bad Teachers:

• Easily frustrated, or short-tempered
• Unwilling to answer questions
• Uninterested in the subject of teaching
• Would criticize, or belittle me for not understanding something

Personally, I don’t have to reach very far back when it comes to good mentors. I’ve learned more in the past 6 months under the tutelage of an excellent senior developer than I had across the rest of my decade-long career. He always challenged my assumptions, and got me to really think about how I was answering different questions. This provided a ton of room for discussion, which helped me to learn concepts I didn’t understand, and deepen ones I was already familiar with. I enjoyed working with him more than I think I can accurately capture with words, and am glad I had the opportunity to work alongside someone who was such a fantastic teacher.

What I think makes these good mentors so effective is how they tend to focus on providing positive reinforcement, instead of punishment. My mentor at work would challenge me, sure, but he was never condescending. He was never trying to prove me wrong. The point of all of the different exercises we did was to build me up. The goal was for me to walk away with another tool in my toolbelt that I could leverage in the future.

That line of thinking – one focused on positive reinforcement toward learning – is why I believe that showing yourself kindness has the potential to be so effective. It has the power to bolster your motivation, keeps you focused on improvement, and also makes the process of learning fun in itself. Fighting games, in general, aren’t very extrinsically motivating, so anything you can do to boost your intrinsic motivation is a step toward the future you being better at your game of choice.

I mean, surely being kind to yourself beats the alternative, right? Do you ever beat yourself up when you’ve spent most of your online set losing to other players? I do. All the time. 

You’re so fucking stupid! Why did you do that? What’s wrong with you? 

This never feels good.

The problem with thinking this way is that it doesn’t actually provide any meaningful feedback. “You’re so fucking stupid”, isn’t actionable. It’s just an insult. Does that even motivate you to hop back into the game? Maybe in the short-term, but are you really going to crawl back for another set tomorrow when you feel miserable every time you play the game? I wouldn’t. I’d hazard a guess most of the folks out there reading wouldn’t either.

It’s important to recognize that with fighting games, you’re both the teacher, and the student. Learning is almost entirely self directed. This makes things way more complicated, but it’s even worse when you’re constantly telling yourself that you’re a useless, limbless slug that deserves to drown in a pool of their own spit.

Think back to your example of a good teacher. They would never speak to you this way, would they? So why would you speak to yourself like this while you’re learning? 

That’s why it’s time to change – it’s time to show yourself some kindness.

Now for the hard part – actually following through on the whole being nice to yourself thing. Personally, I still struggle immensely with this. There are days where I still feel like a complete shitbird after playing Guilty Gear, or Street Fighter. Where do you start when your first instinct is to overwhelm yourself with a force of negativity?

Unfortunately, I don’t have a silver bullet. As noted, I’m still a work-in-progress myself. However, I can share some of the things I’ve been trying to do. Hopefully some combination of them also works for you.

Reframe Your Losses with Positive Language

It’s far too easy to simply say, “I lost because I suck.” You lost, ergo you are bad at the game. Well, no. You can play your best, and still lose. Losing doesn’t mean you played poorly, nor does winning mean you played well. The results simply determine who played better. By immediately dismissing your losses, you’re also dismissing the skill of your opponent. That kinda sucks.

Instead, we should change the language we use when talking about our losses. For example: I lost because my opponent got a huge read, and went all in on it. This acknowledges your opponent’s ability, and sidesteps the issue of dogpiling yourself.

This revised language also provides a different frame of reference to examine the match from. Instead of looking for why you lost, you’ll start trying to figure out why your opponent won. What decisions consistently gave them the upper hand? How do I incorporate these things into my own strategy? What types of options jail my opponent from playing this way? By tackling the problem from a positive lens, you’re more likely to look at a set holistically, instead of fixating on the last interaction that cost you the match. This can give you better information to work with when you’re ready to sit down, and analyze it.

Acknowledge Your Wins

Do you ever find that you dwell on your losses, while never acknowledging your wins? Just me? I’ll go on a 5 game loss streak, and moan about it endlessly, but won’t even acknowledge a 10 game hot streak. This makes absolutely no sense.

The solution here is simple: acknowledge your wins. They don’t even have to be literal wins. Did you land the combo you’ve been practicing? Great job! Did you manage to escape the mixup blender of a character you normally struggle against? Congratulations! Did you go on an 8 game hot streak? Way to go, champion! Take the time to appreciate your accomplishments, no matter how small they are. Everything you do takes some level of practice, and effort. It’s important to acknowledge it, regardless of how silly it’ll (probably) feel.

I’ve tried acknowledging my wins at the end of all of my sets. Admittedly, I’ve had mixed results. Regardless, when I close down for the day I’ll try to call out at least one thing that I’m proud of. Lately that’s been when I land my optimized damage combos with Manon, or when I recognize an opportunity to punish my opponent. No one else is going to see all of the hard work you’re putting in, so it’s important to give yourself a pat on the back once in a while.

Give Yourself Room to Grow

Hypothetically speaking, you wouldn’t yell at your little cousin for dropping a combo the first time they tried to do it. So why do you do that to yourself? It’s important to remember that you’re still learning. Give yourself the same grace period to make mistakes that you’d give to someone else. We’ve all been there. You need to give yourself time to learn. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was anyone’s muscle memory for combo routes, pressure strings, or anti-airs.

Hell, Sajam recently put out a video showing Daigo (yes that Daigo) dropping combos repeatedly during the first few weeks of Street Fighter 6. If the man responsible for the famous EVO Moment 37 can drop a combo while he’s still learning, so can you.

I hope I’ve made a convincing case for why you ought to show yourself some kindness while you’re learning fighting games. Improving isn’t exactly easy, but your road to long-term success can be a lot nicer if you’re pleasant to yourself along the way. Make no mistake though – this won’t be an overnight mindset change. I’ve been working at this for months, and still regularly struggle. What’s important is that you consistently put in the effort to be nice to yourself. Eventually, it should become a habit. At least, I hope that’s the case.

Everyone deserves the opportunity to learn without being berated – even you.